Insane Hobbit drabbles
by Eliza-Lou-Riley
Summary: A collection of drabbles from Tumblr, written by me and a friend. Contains a smothering Thranduil, Elves who love Hobbits and apparent 'cross-breeding.' I'll accept any requests. Collaboration with Lucyinthesky1996.
1. Thranduil is such a mother hen

_*Before Legolas leaves with the Fellowship*_

**Legolas:** Ada! Get off, I'm not a child anymore!

**Thranduil:** _*Continues to scrub at his face*_ Hold still! I'm not having my baby going out and destroying people looking like he's been up a chimney!

**Legolas:** Ada...

**Thranduil:** And make sure you wear this _*wraps scarf around Legolas' neck, almost choking him*_ I don't want you catching your death.

**Legolas:** Ada-

**Thranduil:** And you stay away from that dwarf, you hear? He looks like trouble.

**Legolas:** _*grunts*_ Goodbye Ada...

**Thranduil:** _*calling*_ I love you! And remember, don't talk to strangers!


	2. How Thranduil and Bilbo should meet

_*Thranduil stoops down and examines Bilbo curiously*_

**Thranduil:** You're so small...what are you?

**Bilbo:** Thorin! I saw nothing in my contract about this!

**Thorin:** Just go with it! Then he might give us food!

**Thranduil:** _*To Bilbo*_ Are you a Chihuahua?

**Bilbo:** I'm not doing this!

**Thorin:** Bilbo? Bilbo get back here!

**Thranduil:** Bye Chihuahua…


	3. Elves love Hobbits

**Thranduil:** Oh my _God_, Elrond where did you get it and how can I get one?

**Lindir:** It's so cute I could die!

**Glorfindel:** Look how small it is!

**Erestor:** Ohhhh, it feels so _expensiv_e.

**Elrond:** I know right.

**Bilbo:** This can't be happening...

**Glorfindel:** You should give it a collar.

**Bilbo:** Put me in a collar and you lose a finger -_-

**Thranduil:** It makes little noises! How sweet!

**Erestor:** We should put ribbons in its hair.

**Lindir:** Gold ribbons, yay!

**Bilbo:** GANDALF!

**Lindir:** I wonder if it likes to be petted...

**Bilbo:** What are you doing? What are you rubbing my head for? Stop that, I- ooh, that actually feels quite nice..._*purrs*_

**Glorfindel:** _*tickles under his chin*_ Who's a good Hobbit?

**Bilbo:** _*Sighs*_ I am :3

**Glorfindel:** Who's a good Hobbit? _*Makes cooing noises*_

**Bilbo:** I am. _I'm_ a good Hobbit...


	4. Masters of seduction (or not)

**Bilbo:** _*Sees Thranduil*_ Who's that?

**Fili:** That my friend is The elf-king.

**Kili:** Otherwise known as Thranduil.

**Bilbo:** Wow. He's...nice.

**Fili:** I know right. He's hot.

**Kili:** I mean even-hotter-than-Elrond hot

**Fili:** And Elrond is pretty hot.

**Kili:** I bet you I could get off with him.

**Fili:** I'd like to see you try!

**Kili:** Watch closely lads, you're about to see a master at work_ *approaches Thranduil*_ hey.

**Thranduil:** Um...hi.

**Kili:** You're pretty hot.

**Thranduil:** ...thanks...

**Kili:** And so am I. See how much we have in common? Anyways, I was just wondering-

_*Mini Legolas comes running into view and gives Thranduil a hug*_

**Legolas:** Ada!

**Fili:** Uh oh, he's got a kid.

**Kili:** Back up man, back up.

**Bilbo:** You guys are weird...


	5. Kili's lesbian fetish

**Fili:** Kili, what are you doing with those binoculars?

**Kili:** Spying on those lesbians making out over there. Valor, they're hot. Especially that blonde one. Mind you, the brunette is cute too. Omg, they're spanking each other now. The blonde one has cute underwear.

**Fili:** Um...Kili-

**Kili:** God, that ass! I would sooo tap that.

**Fili:** Kili-

**Kili:** Oooh, the panties are coming off! I wonder what will happen next-

**Fili:** Kili, those aren't lesbians.

**Kili:** They aren't? Then who are they?

**Fili:** King Thranduil and Lord Elrond.

**Kili:** ...goddamn elves...


	6. Everyone loves Thranduil (except Thorin)

**Gloin:** Remind me Thorin, what was the point of this meeting again?

**Thorin:** I need to speak to you all urgently.

**Kili:** Hey Uncle Thorin, you okay?

**Fili:** You look a little pale.

**Thorin:** Gentlemen...I...I've just seen something ghastly...

**Oin:** Oh really? What did you see?

**Thorin:** Now listen men...what I'm about to say is rather disturbing...and very well might scar you all for life.

**Gloin:** Go on...

**Thorin:** I just saw Bilbo...making out...with an ELF.

**Dwarves:** ...

**Thorin:** Now I know what we all think of elves and I think I can guess your reactions-

**Bombur:** Good on Bilbo!

**Dori:** Lucky bastard!

**Bofur:** Best news I've heard since I found out Lindir gave lap dances.

**Thorin:** ...I seem to have missed something here; am I to understand that no one is the slightest bit concerned?

**Fili:** Concerned about what? I think our burglar deserves a nice elven shag bucket.

**Gloin:** I vote they should get married. All those in favour?

**All:** Aye!

**Thorin:** Kill me now...

**Kili:** By the way uncle, who's the lucky elf Bilbo's got his hands on?

**Thorin:** The Elven King.

_*Silence*_

**Nori:** I vote we kill the burglar.


	7. Yes Bilbo, it IS what it looks like

**Bilbo:** _*Opens door*_ Hey guys.

**Kili:** Bilbo! It's been ages!

**Fili:** Look how much you've grown! Well, sort of...

**Bilbo:** Come on in, I'll make you some tea.

**Thorin:** So, are you still living alone, Bilbo?

**Bilbo:** Well, it's funny you should say that-

**Thorin:** You really ought to get yourself a wife. I've heard a great deal about the Hobbit women around here. A wife would be useful - especially in the bedroom _*winks*_

**Bilbo:** Well, actually-

_*Thranduil appears at the top of the stairs with a towel covering him*_

**Thranduil:** Bilbo, honey! Where's the hairdryer?

**Bilbo:** It's in the top drawer of my bedside cabinet, Thranduil!

**Dwarves:** 0_0

**Thorin:** Ahem...Bilbo?

**Bilbo:** What? Oh...oh no, no, no, it's not what you think-!

**Kili:** I think someone has a LOT of explaining to do.

**Bilbo:** I don't! He's only here for the weekend, I swear! He just needed to use my shower...

**Fili:** So, there's absolutely nothing going on between you two?

**Bilbo:** I promise.

_*Thranduil comes down fully clothed, looking hotter than ever*_

**Thranduil:** Bilbo, could you hold the baby for me? _*Hands him baby Legolas*_ I need to get my hair done.

**Bilbo:** ...of course...

**Thranduil:** Thanks Bilbo. You're a star _*kisses him on the cheek*_ Oh, hey Thorin.

_*Bilbo stands there awkwardly holding the baby*_

**Bilbo:** Guys...I swear this isn't...

**Kili:** So _that's_ what crossbreeding looks like.

**Fili:** Looks cute.

_*Legolas giggles*_


	8. Never get Thorin drunk

**Thorin:** And then _*hic*_ my bitch of a sister...I forget her name...had the nerve to say it was impolite of me to look underneath that maiden's skirt. Who does she _*hic*_ think she is anyway? I like INVENTED her. And besides, I like to...to...to check out my woman before I bang her. Y'know...otherwise I might be dis...disappointed. Not many p-p-people understand those sort of things. But I know you two understand..._*starts drinking again*_

**Bilbo:** ...you're drunk.

**Thorin:** No I'm not! Well...maybe a tad. But I can still stand on one foot. _*He stands on one foot and falls over*_

**Thranduil:**_ *Peering down at him*_ Thorin...I think you've had enough...

**Thorin:** Don't-don't tell me what to do you...increasingly attractive young lady.

**Thranduil:** 0_0

**Bilbo:** I think we better get you home.

**Thorin:** Alright...just as soon as this blonde chick gives me her number.

**Bilbo:** Oh Jesus...

**Thranduil:** I'm scared...


	9. Gifts for Thranduil

**Bilbo:** Your majesty, to show my gratitude for allowing us to stay here, I would like you to accept this gift_ *hands him a silver necklace*_

**Thranduil:** Bilbo, I love it! *_kisses*_ Thank you.

**Bilbo:** ^/^

**Kili:** Halt! We got you a gift too _*he lifts Bilbo and sets him to one side.*_

**Fili:** Your majesty, please will you accept our gift brought to you from very far away.

**Thranduil:** *_Adjusting the necklace around his neck*_ What is it?

**Kili:** Drum roll please, Fili.

_*Fili provides a drum roll*_

**Kili:** Your majesty, may I present to you... your very own Hobbit!

_*He pulls out a Hobbit from under his coat.*_

**Thorin:** Fili! Kili! Where the_ hell_ did you get that from?

**Thranduil:** *_eyes wide*_ ...that is the cutest thing I have ever seen!

**Bilbo:** But…you said_ I_ was the cutest thing you had ever seen :'(

**Thranduil:** _*lifts the Hobbit*_ Hello precious! I'm going to call you Tickly and I'm going to love you forever. _*To Fili and Kili*_ What do I feed it?

**Kili:** They'll eat anything that doesn't move.

**Bilbo:** -_-

**Thranduil: **_*To Tickly*_ I'm going to show you to my son. You are just so sweet!

**Bilbo:** But…but I thought _I_ was sweet. Thranduil? Thranduil!

**Kili:** Mission accomplished! Bilbo Baggins is officially out of the game! _*high fives Fili* _Next, we seduce the Elven-King...


	10. Bilbo charms a dragon

**Got a little inspiration from Shrek in this chapter ;)**

* * *

_*In Smaug's cave*_

**Bilbo:** Oh, oh, oh my…

_*Smaug growls*_

**Bilbo:** I-I-oh my, what…large teeth you have!

_*Growls*_

**Bilbo:** I mean, what white sparkling teeth! Yes, I must say, for a dragon that's spent half his eternity in isolation, you have managed to keep your teeth in mint condition!

_*Smaug is intrigued*_

**Bilbo:** And-and may I add how very beautiful your scales are! You are obviously very refined as well as mighty.

_*Smaug is still intrigued*_

**Bilbo:** I-I mean you're a_ very_ attractive dragon – possibly the most attractive dragon I've ever set my eyes on.

_*Smaug is evidently flattered*_

**Bilbo:** In fact, I really can't understand what anyone has against you. I mean, yes, you destroyed an entire city and killed thousands of innocent lives but with beauty as pure as your own, I'm sure those small errors can be overlooked.

_*Smaug suddenly blows out a ring of smoke, which shapes into a heart. Bilbo realises his mistake*_

**Bilbo:** _*coughing* _Listen, this has been a lovely chat but I really must be going now.

_*Smaug blocks his way, staring at him intently*_

**Bilbo:** I must insist you let me past! I mean, you are very, very beautiful but nothing could ever happen between us. I mean, we're both young. We both have our lives ahead of us. And above that – what would the children look like?

_*Smaug isn't listening. He gazes at the Hobbit, already besotted.*_

**Bilbo:** You are a very charming dragon Smaug, but I'm sure there are plenty of others out there more worthy of your love than me _*giggles nervously*_ THORIN!

_*Smug suddenly lifts him by the collar and carries him off so they can be alone*_

**Bilbo:** THORIN! THORIN, HEEEELP!


	11. Thranduil tortures Legolas (not)

**Legolas:** Ow! Ada, please, that hurts!

**Thranduil: **I know it hurts Legolas, but you brought this on yourself. Now keep still.

**Legolas: **Ouch Ada, please, anything but that!

**Thranduil: **I warned you this would happen. I warned you over and over, but you never listen. It's time you learnt to toughen up.

**Legolas: **_*Screams*_OW! Ada,_ please_, I'm sorry! Please stop this, the pain is unbearable!

**Thranduil: **You can cry all you like Legolas, but this has to be done.

**Legolas: **Ada, please, I can't take this anymore! I'm going to _die!_

**Thranduil: **Nonsense. There, finished. Stop that wailing now, Legolas, it's alright. Ada's here.

**Legolas:** _*Crying*_ I'm sorry...

**Thranduil:** I know you are. But if you insist on climbing trees like an elfling then you must expect to come home with some greenery in your hair. If I hadn't have brushed out the knots they would have ruined your ends!

**Legolas:** You didn't have to brush so hard...

**Thranduil:** Honestly, the fuss you make. Anyone would think you were being tortured!


	12. The most popular elves in Mirkwood

**For those unfamiliar with The Most Popular Girls in School, google it. NOW.**

* * *

*Thorin enters while Thranduil and Elrond are doing their hair*

**Thranduil:** Who the fuck are you?

**Thorin:** Who the fuck are _you_?

**Elrond:** *Gasps* He's Thranduil Oropherion; Elven-King, Party King, part time Balrog slayer.

**Thranduil:** Who the fuck let you in here?

**Thorin:** Lindir.

**Elrond:** Lindir? He's not supposed to be watching the dwarves!

**Thranduil:** You don't know how things work around here, do you?

**Thorin:** I know how everything works around here. Bilbo Baggins told me all about it.

**Thranduil:** What the _fuck_ are you doing talking to Bilbo Baggins?!

**Thorin:** We have sword fighting together.

**Elrond:** Tauriel is in charge of watching the dwarves...

**Thranduil:** That's my fucking boyfriend, _bitch_.

**Thorin:** Oh really? Because that's not what Galadriel said, you fucking liar!

**Thranduil:** I'm not a fucking liar!

**Elrond:** Is Tauriel sick? Does she have mono?

*Door bursts open*

**Legolas:** Where the fuck is Thorin Oakenshield?!

**Thorin:** Who the fuck are you?

**Legolas:** Who the fuck are _you_?

**Thorin:** Oh no, we are not doing this again...

**Thranduil:** This is Legolas Thranduilion Greenleaf, the second most popular elf in Mirkwood.

**Legolas:** And I heard you were calling my Ada a fucking liar!

**Elrond:** Okay, seriously, who is watching the dwarves...?

**Legolas:** Take it back Oakenshield, or do you want me to tell everybody that you talk about shagging Hobbits in your sleep?

**Thorin:** *Gasps* Who told you that?

**Legolas:** Your nephew Kili. We do archery together.

**Thorin:** ...fine. Thranduil Oropherion. I am sorry.

**Thranduil:** Good. But know this. The war between the elves and the dwarves has just begun.

*All leave except Elrond*

**Lindir:** Oh hey Elrond, you wanted to see me?

**Elrond:** Lindir...you...were supposed to be watching... the DWARVES.


End file.
